Friday, January 6, 2012

Starting the untangling ...

When I was a kid, I was told of my Grandmother's depression. I always thought 'What in the world did this woman have to be depressed about?' She had a wonderful, devoted husband, my mother, never wanted for anything in her life, travelled as she saw fit - she was never denied anything that she ever wanted. So how can one be depressed. I owe her many apologies for these thoughts.

I have a loving, wonderful devoted husband, who would deny me nothing. For 5 years, we struggled through fertility issues, miscarriages ... If I am honest now, added to the fertility struggle was my fear that if I were to get pregnant, would my baby end out with my genetic bone issues. I have a genetic bone disease known as Hereditary Multiple Exostosis; it causes odd bone growths on my bones' growth centres. It is a disease that affects people differently; I inherited from my mother, and her growths are the size of peas ... mine are more like golf balls. Before my Mom, we just don't know. Genetic counseling told us that we had a 50/50 chance of passing this along.

2007 - we were finally successfully pregnant. And other than becoming excessively huge, the pregnancy itself was perfect. We had all the required tests, and found out we were having a boy - but more importantly, he did not have the bone disease. My son arrived, and he was and is perfect. Yes that comment is from a Mother's eyes .. but really he was a great baby.

DH & I knew that we wanted to have more than one. As much as we loved Mason, still sitting together as a family, we felt someone was missing. Afraid it would take another 5 years to have a second, we started trying again the first moment we logically could. Joke on us & we were successful on the very next try. Again, joy in that we beat the 50/50 odds again, and we learned after tests that our baby girl also did not have the bone disease. 18 months after our son was born, our daughter stormed into the world.

It was now 2009 & it happened - the diagnosis of Postpardum Depression ... what in the world did I have to be depressed about? I was happily married; I had 2 beautiful healthy babies, neither facing the challenges in childhood that I had suffered with the bone disease; both DH & I had good jobs; we live in a great house, in a fantastic neighbourhood, with wonderful friends; my father who had been battling colo-rectal cancer since 2007, though he was still having his srtuggles, was cancer-free.

In 2010, I had to return to work early from my maternity leave. I went back to a work situation that was less than ideal; basically in a partnership with a person I neither trusted, respected, or liked. My father had surgery that went wrong & it was a really bad year. The plan was to try to move me off the postpardum medication for 2010 - but the reality was that the medication became more to help me with the depression that just seemed to get worse with my situation.

2011 - not much better. Though 2010 ended on a positive note, with my work partner quitting and leaving the company - it got worse, with the business not replacing the fool. The only thing I am going to say is that the high point of 2011 was a trip to Las Vegas that DH & I took - which was supposed to be the Honeymoon we never really had - a trip during which I worked everyday.

So here I sit at the beginning of 2012; I have a new role within the company I work for, and I have a new attitude. 2012 is going to be the year that I get myself back. I have started with this list of 'resolutions' ...
  1. Home - put home first; yes it is vitally important that I stay gainfully employed to fund my family, but I need to make more of an effort to leave work at work, and leave work at 5:00. In 2012, I will be a better wife, mother, and home owner.
  2. Set obtainable goals and expectations - expecting to much out of myself or others simply sets up for disappointment and failure - so setting goals that are more realistic and obtainable - start small)
  3. Medically - I have joined Jenny Craig .. I will get my BMI so that I am no longer defined as obese; I will simply become overweight (yes, would love to be normal, but see goal above …)
  4. More Medical - I will more actively work with my healthcare providers to get myself ‘over’ the post-pardum depression - I will find a treatment that does not have the same side effects (mainly I will find a way to get the libido back; see first goal to be a better wife …)
  5. Knitting - I will learn how to be monogamous to all the large projects in my WIP/Queue. I will concentrate on one ‘major’ undertaking at a time; I may throw the odd hexipuff, one night scarf or gloves in there … but I will on a whole do my best to remain true to one major project.
  6. More knitting - I will finish 3 major WIP/Queue projects before buying another project - so finish 3, to buy 1
  7. Friends - I will be a better friend. I will reach out to those that have been important in my life an re-establish connections, whether it be friends from around town, or my lovely friends I’ve met online/on Ravelry
Most importantly, I am going to look at myself in the mirror everyday, and think about all the reasons why I am happy .. I refuse to spend another year focused on all the reasons why I am not happy. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am the only person who can turn this around.

Thanks for listening. And to 'Gladie' - I understand now .. and I am truly sorry.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Hi! It's been a while since I have posted. |But I've had very little to say this 2012. Another year of 'If you can't say anything nice; Don't say anything.'

I am sitting here today however, with things having drastically changed, and I am optimistic and excited about 2012 coming up. The main reason; my kids. I am convinced that you can never truly love someone, until you have kids.

I do understand my own parent's behaviour now & have a new found respect for what they did, and how thye did things for me as a kid.

This is the time of year to feel the love ... and this year, I really am.

Merry Christmas to All!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Kindness of Strangers

How these days can one define family? Friends? Acquaintances? Strangers? With the world we live in today, the lines between any of these definitions can get blurred.

2010 has been a struggle. Family, Career -urgh.

Today, in my mailbox I find an anonymous gift. Sent to me by someone I have met through a knitting/crochet social networking site. I don't exactly know who sent it - though I think I have a good guess. It is a really silly gift. But from a relative stranger.

So to this stranger - my benefactor - Thanks for being such a great friend! The package certainly did the trick!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Holidays have come & gone

Well, the holidays have come and gone. In general, it was a really good holiday period for me & my family - with a few events information that I would like to remember:
  1. The neighbourhood Christmas dinner was a catered affair; $70 a head & it was a fantastic evening. In future, I think catering should be a consideration. It was so low stress. The biggest stress that I had was that I decided to knit a ChapStick cover in the shape of a 'Penis' for the gift exchange - however it was taken very well.
  2. This was the first Christmas morning my little family (Hubbie & kids) woke up as a complete unit. We had such a great day. So looking forward to future Christmases
  3. Spent some time in Montreal with DH's family. It is the exact opposite of mine; I grew up with a very small family - DH's is huge. There are so many personalities ... so hard at times to read them - and I guess it doesn't help that I have only met them a handful of times, living 5-6 hours away.
  4. DH's dad is on the decline. He's 91, so lived a long life. This is the first lengthy death that DH & his siblings are going to have to deal with. DH's parents immigrated from Holland in 1952, so they didn't have much direct contact with their family still in Holland. DH is the baby of 7 surviving siblings, with 26 years or so between him & the eldest - so it is hard for the older siblings to look at Dh as an equal - they see him more as one of their kids. It was good for him to actually see his father, so he now has a first hand account of how he is doing rather than bits & pieces supplied by different siblings. However from what I saw (after having watched 7 elder relatives pass in their 90s), my FIL is doing fairly well, and if he can beat this kidney infection, he'll be OK.
  5. We found out something about one of DH's nephews which was unsettling. He has decided that he would be happier to live the rest of his life out as a woman. And this is not the unsettling part; the unsettling part is that it is unclear as to whether he is doing this with proper medical care, or simply ordering the drugs off the internet & self medicating. Oh .. where will this go???
I think I need to knit!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Hello & Welcome

I have always wanted to start a blog, but never knew what to blog about. Someone mentioned to me that her blog helped her relieve stress, so I thought that perhaps that might be a good idea. I need though to be careful about what I write, as this is public, and I would not want to offend anyone - so I think I might as well stick to blogging about my projects; knitting, etc.

Just a little about me - I'm the mother of 2 adorable kids; Mason (born October 21, 2007) and Victoria (born April 29, 2009). I'm madly in love with them . They are my world, and like every mother who came before me (and every mother who will come after) my kids are the cutest, smartest, most advanced, and greatest kids that ever existed. I'm thankful to my wonderful Hubbie (Jake) for them.

Anyway, here is the start of my Blog - Welcome & it'll be interesting to see where this goes ...