Starting the untangling ...

When I was a kid, I was told of my Grandmother's depression. I always thought 'What in the world did this woman have to be depressed about?' She had a wonderful, devoted husband, my mother, never wanted for anything in her life, travelled as she saw fit - she was never denied anything that she ever wanted. So how can one be depressed. I owe her many apologies for these thoughts.

I have a loving, wonderful devoted husband, who would deny me nothing. For 5 years, we struggled through fertility issues, miscarriages ... If I am honest now, added to the fertility struggle was my fear that if I were to get pregnant, would my baby end out with my genetic bone issues. I have a genetic bone disease known as Hereditary Multiple Exostosis; it causes odd bone growths on my bones' growth centres. It is a disease that affects people differently; I inherited from my mother, and her growths are the size of peas ... mine are more like golf balls. Before my Mom, we just don't know. Genetic counseling told us that we had a 50/50 chance of passing this along.

2007 - we were finally successfully pregnant. And other than becoming excessively huge, the pregnancy itself was perfect. We had all the required tests, and found out we were having a boy - but more importantly, he did not have the bone disease. My son arrived, and he was and is perfect. Yes that comment is from a Mother's eyes .. but really he was a great baby.

DH & I knew that we wanted to have more than one. As much as we loved Mason, still sitting together as a family, we felt someone was missing. Afraid it would take another 5 years to have a second, we started trying again the first moment we logically could. Joke on us & we were successful on the very next try. Again, joy in that we beat the 50/50 odds again, and we learned after tests that our baby girl also did not have the bone disease. 18 months after our son was born, our daughter stormed into the world.

It was now 2009 & it happened - the diagnosis of Postpardum Depression ... what in the world did I have to be depressed about? I was happily married; I had 2 beautiful healthy babies, neither facing the challenges in childhood that I had suffered with the bone disease; both DH & I had good jobs; we live in a great house, in a fantastic neighbourhood, with wonderful friends; my father who had been battling colo-rectal cancer since 2007, though he was still having his srtuggles, was cancer-free.

In 2010, I had to return to work early from my maternity leave. I went back to a work situation that was less than ideal; basically in a partnership with a person I neither trusted, respected, or liked. My father had surgery that went wrong & it was a really bad year. The plan was to try to move me off the postpardum medication for 2010 - but the reality was that the medication became more to help me with the depression that just seemed to get worse with my situation.

2011 - not much better. Though 2010 ended on a positive note, with my work partner quitting and leaving the company - it got worse, with the business not replacing the fool. The only thing I am going to say is that the high point of 2011 was a trip to Las Vegas that DH & I took - which was supposed to be the Honeymoon we never really had - a trip during which I worked everyday.

So here I sit at the beginning of 2012; I have a new role within the company I work for, and I have a new attitude. 2012 is going to be the year that I get myself back. I have started with this list of 'resolutions' ...

1. Home - put home first; yes it is vitally important that I stay gainfully employed to fund my family, but I need to make more of an effort to leave work at work, and leave work at 5:00. In 2012, I will be a better wife, mother, and home owner.
2. Set obtainable goals and expectations - expecting to much out of myself or others simply sets up for disappointment and failure - so setting goals that are more realistic and obtainable - start small)
3. Medically - I have joined Jenny Craig .. I will get my BMI so that I am no longer defined as obese; I will simply become overweight (yes, would love to be normal, but see goal above …)
4. More Medical - I will more actively work with my healthcare providers to get myself ‘over’ the post-pardum depression - I will find a treatment that does not have the same side effects (mainly I will find a way to get the libido back; see first goal to be a better wife …)
5. Knitting - I will learn how to be monogamous to all the large projects in my WIP/Queue. I will concentrate on one ‘major’ undertaking at a time; I may throw the odd hexipuff, one night scarf or gloves in there … but I will on a whole do my best to remain true to one major project.
6. More knitting - I will finish 3 major WIP/Queue projects before buying another project - so finish 3, to buy 1
7. Friends - I will be a better friend. I will reach out to those that have been important in my life an re-establish connections, whether it be friends from around town, or my lovely friends I’ve met online/on Ravelry

Most importantly, I am going to look at myself in the mirror everyday, and think about all the reasons why I am happy .. I refuse to spend another year focused on all the reasons why I am not happy. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am the only person who can turn this around.

Thanks for listening. And to 'Gladie' - I understand now .. and I am truly sorry.